I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
