So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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