Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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