I'm so fucking centered right now
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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