Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
