Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
