She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
