Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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