I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
