this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
