I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
