Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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