If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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