made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
