Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
