i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
