Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
