My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
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Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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