the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
