she woke up with a sticky ear
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
