Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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