i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
