Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
