I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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