i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize