I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
