420 ftw
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dignity is for republicans.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
