I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
