The maid of honor just puked.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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