I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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