Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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