where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
