I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
