After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
