you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
