The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize