my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
