this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
