I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
