i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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