Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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