Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
