you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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