my phone needs a breathalizer
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
