I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
