It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
