just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
