My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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