Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
