whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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