youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
