just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
