omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
