My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
