remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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