Your face is a jimmy john
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
