You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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