this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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