That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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