we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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