Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
