I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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